This is more poetically written, and could be trite except the style matches the character. I get the impression that all the Hyuugas are trained to be pedantic yet heroic prats, able to romanticize their torture and eventual death. I swung between horror and amusement as I read this, occasionally settling on pity.

The ending doesn't move me as much as it could because I'm not sure what the torturers are getting out of him. I'm guessing his eyes, and all the final prodding adds up to them finding a way around the branch family curse seal? I still don't know. The "elusive grain of truth" they found didn't make me care--too general. I can imagine Neji saying it that way in his mind, though, so the character's voice is right.

Neji is not my cup of tea. I find it hard to sympathize with a character so married to honor, clan, and tradition. Perhaps that's why I'm less moved overall. Hrm.